Dispatches from the Red Planet

This is an archive of the news of the continuing struggle between the Council of Elders and the mechanical invaders from the sinister Blue Planet.




Today the Council disclosed the news that the repulsive beings inhabiting the blue planet third from our star have located the wreckage of one of their invading spacecraft near our planet’s southern pole.

Strangely enough, their newscasts mentioned nothing of the warning plaque errected alongside the downed invader.
Some scientists theorize that the translation of our warning into their bestial language was imperfect, while others maintain that the plaque is simply too small to be imaged properly with their feeble, childish astronomical instruments.

K’Breel, speaker for the Council, voiced another, more pessimistic theory:

“Certainly, beings who are capable of constructing and sending such fiendishly clever little devices to spy on our world are more than capable of receiving and understanding our warning. They have simply chosen to disregard it. Clearly we can no longer ignore the predaceous advances of the evil blue planet. The Council has given the final authorization to divert our asteroid into a collision course. We now need only wait.”



Yet another chapter in our epic struggle against the disgusting inhabitants of the evil blue planet unfolded today, when it was revealed by the Council that one of the invaders’ probes was observed deploying a spindly, antenna-like structure.
Hopes that the antenna would prove to be benign were quickly dashed, as our scientists determined conclusively that the antenna was designed to emit hazardous low-frequency radio waves, capable of penetrating far underground.

K’Breel, Speaker for the Council, stress that there was no cause for alarm:

“This latest nefarious plot by our enemies has successfully been averted. Immediately upon receiving news of this latest aggression, the Council approved an emergency action to neutralize the threat. The structure of one of the segments of the deadly antenna was successfully altered, rendering the device incapable of harm.

When asked if rumours were true that the invaders’ probe was actually outfitted with two of the deadly antennas, K’Breel declined to comment.



A sense of triumph swept our fair red world today when reports came in that the Grand Army of the Council had damaged one of the robotic invaders from the evil blue planet. K’Breel, speaker for the Council of Elders, made the following comment:

This was a great victory in our war with the evil blue planet. While we have only impaired the horrid machine’s movement, we will continue to strike until it and its dreadful twin are pools of molten metal.

When a journalist suggested that the terrible monstrosity had merely worn out one of its locomotive rotators, K’Breel had the traitor’s gelsac mutilated immediately.



Optimism continued to make inroads today across the community as K’Breel, Speaker for the most Illustrious Council of Elders, stated that the Council’s latest plan to feed misinformation to the robotic minions of the sinister blue planet were bearing fruit.

 “Gentle Citizens, today I stand before you proud as a gerlsh in the first heivtning, positively quirlly to bring you the news that the devices of terror, sent unto us by the hideous inhabitants of the evil blue planet, have been duped by our clever plan! By sowing the soil in their path with the poisonous gretch-sand, we have convinced the credulous fools that life cannot possibly exist here. Thinking our planet a horrible wasteland of gretch-sand, instead of the vibrant paradise we know it to be, the disgusting creatures of the evil blue planet will doubtless abandon their nefarious schemes to annex our world! Rejoice with me, pod-mates! This is the turning point!”

When a certain impertinent youngling pointed out that there have been so many ‘turning points’ in this terrible conflict that surely, the Illustrious Council must by dizzy by this time, K’breel denounced him as a traitor and decreed that his gelsacs be lacerated until he admitted his guilt and confessed his onerous crimes. The youngling confessed later that evening, and was immediately executed for his awful crimes.



The Illustrious Council of Elders has declared today a day of celebration. K’breel, Speaker for the Council, spake thus:

“Despite the propaganda reports to the contrary, what we killed a year ago remains dead and frozen, crushed beneath a mountain of toxic dihydrogen monoxide. The perverse pendulosity of its plumb bob [slashdot.org] waves no more!

Some say this war will end in fire, others in ice.
Reporters’ gelsacs know my ire;
they are those who went with fire.

We now confirm this blue death twice,
Our gelsacs engorged with delight,
We say that for destruction ice,
Not only might,
But did, suffice!”

When the Martian Poet Laureate reported a striking similarity between the recent press release and an ancient transmission from the blue world, K’Breel had the Poet Laureate’s gelsacs bobbed, frosted, and then bitten.



Today the Council of Elders confirmed the rumours that the sinister blue planet third from our star has waved the white flag of surrender regarding one of its mechanical invaders. K’Breel, Speaker for the Council of Elders, reported the leak of an intelligence report from the blue world:

http://planetary.org/news/2010/1231_Mars_Exploration_Rovers_Update_Spirit.html [planetary.org]

Continuing his pronouncement, K’Breel continued: “The trap which we laid for the robotic invader has proven successful; the monstrosity from the blue world now lies half-buried in a Snarpat pit, impaled upon a spire of rock.”

“Rejoice, podmates, one invader has been immobilized, and even as I speak to you, our teams are dutifully hunting down the second. It is of identical design as to the first, and we anticipate that it will succumb long before it reaches its destination!”

When a junior analyst suggested that both invaders had already exceeded their designed lifetimes by a factor of ten, and that even the immobilized one was one gust of wind away from being able to return operationally-useful scientific data from its current position for years to come, K’Breel had the analyst’s gelsacs placed between the invader’s slowly-spinning wheel and the crusty sulfates of Scamander Crater.



K’breel, speaker for the Council, emphasized that the site for the final battle was well-defended:

“Gentle citizens, it has been years since the twin mechanized monsters touched down on our sweet red soil, but the Council is pleased to report that the last remaining mobile invader from the blue planet has been sighted by sentries approaching the rim of End-Devaur crater. The invader set out for End-Devaur last summer after spending a year at Victory Hole; Planetary Land Defense Forces have pinpointed the invader’s location to a point in the trackless wastes at least half a year’s journey from End-Devaur.”

“The enemy’s slow progress across the wastelands leaves us with ample time to amass an overwhelming counterforce, and at last we shall see this campaign through to its end. Rejoice! Within half a revolution around our star, this monstrosity from the blue world shall find its ultimate destination!”

When a junior reporter mentioned the persistent rumor that the invader was merely a scientific probe operating at least order of magnitude past its design lifespan, K’Breel raised a spirited toast “to an opportunity for victory!”, and devoured the ends of the reporter’s gelsacs.



Laughter and derision swept through our world today as the Council of Elders confirmed the rumors that an orbiting mechanized invader from the sinister blue planet third from our star had been spending an inordinate amount of time examining one of our world’s most commonly-available resources.

K’Breel, Speaker for the Council, stressed yet again that there was no cause for alarm:

“This invader last located the remains of the northern invader which stands frozen to the spot, its flailing futilely in the wind [slashdot.org]. If these beings seek to attempt a second invasion from the south, it shall meet the same fate as their last attempt three years ago [slashdot.org]. The fools! The resources they study are so common that they compose 95% of our air!”

When a junior climatologist pointed out that the atmosphere of the blue world, holding a mere 0.04% carbox, was sadly lacking in this vital atmospheric component, and that the blue world’s inhabitants had not only spent centuries trying to generate much as possible of it to supplant their meager atmospheric supply, but had even murdered millions of their own kind in struggles for control of their world’s vital carboxogenic hydrocarbounds, K’breel (in his infinite mercy) had the contents of the junior climatologist’s gelsacs extracted, gasified with pure compressed carbox, and consumed it as a refreshing drink.




K’breel, speaker for the Council, emphasized that preparations for the final battle were complete.

“Citizens, the last of the two mechanical invaders that first touched down on our red soil, has reached its ultimate destination. Intelligence reports from the blue world confirm that the alien fiend will likely peer over the rim of its ultimate destination this week, the huge End-Devaur crater.”

K’Breel confirmed that the source of this intelligence leak was a communications node of the blue world’s so-called “Planetary Society” [planetary.org] has been neutralized. Its data flows as sluggishly as the brine that oozes forth from beneath the summer soil. Soon, the invading force whose activities it purports to document, shall be neutralized along with it! ONWARD TO VICTORY!

When a junior reporter speculated that the reason for the temporary downtime of the communications node might be related to a surge of network traffic from blue-worlders whose only interest was peaceful exploration, K’Breel had the junior reporter’s gelsacs effectively slashed .




  1. All hail K’Breel !

    Death to the invaders

  2. Ullllllla!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: